Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I fill condoms, not promises.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
