She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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