I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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