His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
