the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
The uberlube is also flammable
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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