guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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