Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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