I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
