I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
