i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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