I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
