I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
