The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
