I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
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