so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
