Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
