i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
