Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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