Don't make out with my wife yet
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize