So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
