I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
