I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
