I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
