You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
