what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
All the doctor said was why
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
