You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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