it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
