How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
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