It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
This is the high leading the old right now
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
