We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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