Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
