I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
