Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
