Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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