I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize