Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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