I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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