I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
