I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
