just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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