420 ftw
Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
