bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
