My friends, they love my intelligence
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
