textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
