My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
