You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
The air was thick with penises
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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