I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
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