it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
