so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Randomize
