Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
