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the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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