And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
