His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
