I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I'm having to shit out rocks
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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