It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
