I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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