I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
