some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
COCAINE IS GR8
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
