Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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