The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
